unseen reasons we hold ourselves back
journaling prompt for transforming limiting beliefs into embodied confidence
Something I’ve constantly struggled with at work is carrying myself with confidence, authority, and assertiveness. I’ve struggled to trust my experience, skillset, and instinct, and I’ve been tentative and timid. I’ve dreamed of being someone who sprints forward and passionately, only stopping or slowing if others tell me to. Instead, I’ve been waiting for others to give me the green light, fearfully sharing my ideas. I’ve hoped they’ll become prioritized by others, but I’ve been unsure about my ability to deliver on the additional responsibility.
It’s quite disappointing.
It took me a frustratingly long time to become this honest with myself about what my behaviors have demonstrated about me. I was too attached to my ideas about how people should act and how they can drive impact; I subconsciously figured that eventually everyone would recognize the refinement, nuance, and weight behind my ideas and theories, and they’d lay out the red carpet for me as a recognition of my intelligence and grandeur. Thoughts clearly weren’t enough; I couldn’t see that there was a wide gulf between my ideas and my behaviors. This was a really tough pill to swallow.
Initially, after I was able to clearly see the beliefs I was acting upon and how they differed from the ideas I held, I just took them at face value.
“I lack experience.”
“I lack authority.”
“I lack the talent and instinct of others.”
They were very easy things for me to believe! I didn’t really have a reason to question them; if they weren’t true, I obviously wouldn’t be thinking those things. Maybe they would fall away with time after I gained more experience and talent.
Time passed, but those beliefs would not go away! They stuck; my behavior remained the same, and my frustration grew.
I finally unstuck myself after I followed the following journaling prompt:
Step 1: Ask yourself what the “perfect” person equipped with the “perfect” skills and traits would do in your situation
I was so frustrated by the lingering persistence of my beliefs that I crafted this prompt to remove myself from the equation and get a better sense of what needed to be done. My beliefs about my lack of experience, talent, and instinct were surprisingly stubborn, so I figured the part of me that was certain of those beliefs would have some sense of the type of person that wouldn’t be plagued with those thoughts. I mean, after all, you can’t believe you’re not that guy without having a sense of who could be that guy.
I was pretty surprised by how quickly I was able to find an answer inside me. The perfect person in my position would communicate their thoughts decisively and then articulate what they’re going to do and what they need from others, setting clear expectations and trusting their intuition. They wouldn’t wait for someone to ask; they’d act on their observations, course-correcting if they found a better approach later.
Step 2: Ask yourself what’s stopping you from doing that (*Alternative prompt: what’s the worst thing that will happen if you do that?)
I asked myself what experience I was lacking that prevented me from articulating my thoughts. I questioned what additional skills I needed to communicate my action plan and my expectations for others. I couldn’t come up with anything! It was clear that the beliefs I had just taken for granted weren’t rooted in anything substantial, even though I was treating them as foundational truths to base my actions on.
When considering the worst thing that could happen if I took action, it was a fear of overstepping; part of me thought it would work against myself if I didn’t have explicit permission from others and didn’t act explicitly in line with others’ expectations. Part of me also thought that my relative inexperience would alter the way people responded to my self-expression. In other words, I thought people wouldn’t take me seriously. It wasn’t difficult to see these as insubstantial and false, too; I haven’t come across a single story of someone who went out and tried to do something and didn’t at least gain something.
This exercise helped me establish that all of the beliefs that I was letting dictate my actions just weren’t solid enough.
Step 3: Resolve to take the smallest step possible that’s aligned with what you outlined in Step 1
This is critical! You can’t just wait for the beliefs to go away before acting. Their intensity will typically decrease after you consciously see them as insubstantial, but that won’t cause them to go away altogether. For them to disappear, they need active disconfirmation. In other words, you have to feel the discomfort, act in the face of it, and then let the outcome disprove your fears.
In my case, the first step I took was self-assigning myself to send weekly updates and action plans for a project I was part of that was losing momentum. I didn’t ask for permission; I knew this just needed to get done to ensure things got moving and people had clarity on what they needed to do to contribute. I can’t lie, it was very uncomfortable at first, but after the second or third time, it was so clear to me that “overstepping” wouldn’t blow up in my face and cause others to hate me. The opposite happened! I earned a lot of goodwill from everyone involved in the project. This gave my subconscious all the evidence it needed to finally let go of the pesky beliefs that had me stuck before. They don’t really come up anymore.
I’m convinced that for most people, they’re not stuck because they don’t know what to do; they’re stuck because some part of them is convinced that they’re not the type of person who can do what needs to be done to get themselves unstuck. Luckily, those limiting beliefs aren’t substantial, and the smallest bit of investigation and self-inquiry can help illuminate a path forward.
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Very helpful essay - thank you.