Our impulse to label ourselves
The definitions we create for ourselves end up being our own cages
Have you noticed that these days, everyone seems to be obsessed with labeling everything?
“This person is good.” “This event is bad.” “This comment is negative.”
With everything, no matter how big or small, there’s an internal impulse to label and judge. Why do we do this? Who knows. Maybe it’s just our attempt to make this weird, confusing world make a little more sense to us.
While the impulse to create these labels of external things and people and events is fascinating, the labels that I’m going to be exploring in this post are related to the ones we create for ourselves. I’m talking about statements like “I am kind”, “I am incapable”, etc. Basically any statement that starts with “I am …”.
In the same way that we’ve got an impulse to label everything around us, I’ve noticed that we’ve got a similar impulse to try to define ourselves with these “I am” labels. I know I do this ALL the time. I set out to answer the following two questions about this seemingly natural impulse:
Why do we label ourselves?
How do these labels impact us?
Exploring these questions took me on an incredibly powerful journey centering around fear and freedom. In my case, the labels that I created for myself ended up being a cage that trapped me in my own mind; they limited my ability to be present and fully experience each moment.
Why do we label ourselves?
My theory is that the labels that we create for ourselves are closely tied with fear.
Let’s start with negative labels, like “I am incapable”, “I am weak”, etc. These labels are typically responsive to pain from the past. Something that causes pain happens, and as a result, you apply that label on yourself. In a way, this label becomes a protective mechanism; you tell yourself and reinforce these ideas about yourself to avoid being put in a position that caused you pain in the first place.
For example, a long time ago on the middle school bus, I was freely jamming out and signing along on the bus ride home when someone told me “dude, you’re really bad at singing”. Ouch! That definitely stung, so I subconsciously created the label “I am not a singer” for myself, and since then have generally been hesitant to sing, even when I’m just by myself. In this way, the label I created became a shield to prevent myself from experiencing the pain I felt on that middle school bus ride.
With positive labels (“I am kind”, “I am confident”, etc.), the relationship with fear is a little bit more nuanced. I’m… honestly not really sure where these labels come from. Where do we start believing these things about ourselves? Are these statements things that we would like to be seen as? Things that other people have told us we are? Things that we’ve convinced ourselves we are? All of the above? Who knows. What I do believe is that each positive label has a deep connection with a corresponding fear. “I am kind” is associated with the fear of hurting others or being perceived as mean. “I am confident” is associated with the fear of being incapable of doing something. There’s two relationships that can come from this:
The label generates the fear: you’re so attached to the label that anything that threatens that label becomes a source of fear and insecurity. For example, an attachment to the label “I am kind” generates the fear of hurting others or saying the wrong thing.
The fear generates the label: you’re so afraid of something that you develop a label for yourself as a protective mechanism. In this case, the fear of hurting others will cause you to develop the label “I am kind” to validate to yourself that you do not and will not hurt others.
All this is really confusing and backwards. It’s as if the negative labels we create for ourselves shield us from fear and the positive labels become sources of fear and insecurity for us.
How do these labels impact us?
The destructive impacts of the negative labels that we hold for ourselves is pretty well documented, so I’m going to avoid focusing on them here. Instead, I’m going to focus on exploring the destructive impacts of positive labels which are often not talked about.
I think there’s three dominant ways in which we’re affected by the positive labels we use to define ourselves.
1. They take away our authenticity and spontaneity
By working within the labels you’ve created, instead of letting your authentic action reflect the labels you’ve created, you let those labels frame your actions.
For example, I had a deep attachment to the label “I am a good person and kind towards others”, and I’ve tried to validate that in every single interaction with someone else. I was always in my head; always asking myself how to act in a way that shows I am good and proves my kindness. Instead of having the freedom to be present and just act authentically, I was trying to protect this image of myself and this label that I had created for myself. I wasn’t free to be authentic or spontaneous; I was caged.
2. They preclude our growth
We get so attached to these labels that we use our experiences to validate and reinforce our labels instead of learning, changing, and growing.
Using the same example as above, I used every interaction I had to reinforce my belief in my inherent goodness and kindness. Even when people pointed out ways in which I had hurt them, I was more interested in making sure the other person knew that my intentions were pure instead of genuinely listening, understanding, learning, and growing. I was simply trying to sanitize my actions and my words through the purity of my intentions. The label I held was making me blind to the impact my actions had on others.
3. They manifest our fears
By focusing on protecting the labels you’ve created instead of embodying them, the fears that are associated with those labels come to life.
Again, using the same example as above, by focusing on proving my intentions and kindness in every interaction, I failed to genuinely listen. I was too busy trying to validate that I am already good and kind instead of being open to understanding. And in doing so I manifested my fear of hurting others by failing to genuinely create space for them to share and be vulnerable. All by trying to cling on to this seemingly benevolent label I’d defined for myself.
When I opened my eyes to the impacts of these labels on my life, I was devastated. I felt like such a fraud; I had been masquerading around wearing these labels of being good, kind-hearted, warm, and genuine as armor and engaged in some self-indulgent crusade to prove and justify to everyone that I was worthy of the labels I ascribed to myself. In reality, the only enemy on this crusade was me.
I was finally forced to come face to face with all my fears. I was finally forced to understand the pain I had caused, both to myself and to the people around me. I finally accepted responsibility for my actions instead of just hiding behind my armor and telling myself that my intentions and labels were enough.
It was really painful facing all this! With every tear that I shed, I discarded a label and ideal that I held about myself. I released all these delusions I believed about myself; there was no way I deserved any of it. My labels and ideals could no longer mask the fact that I still had the capacity to cause pain no matter how hard I tried not to. All the armor that I’d held on to so dearly for so long fell apart, piece by piece, until all that was left was me. Unprotected, empty, and completely vulnerable.
And after all the tears had dried, I finally felt… free.
Free from the burden of carrying around this heavy set of armor everywhere I went.
Free from the mountain of insecurity and fear that came along with my earnest attempt to maintain and live up to these labels.
Free from the cage that was created from forcing myself to act in a specific, prescribed way.
Free from the maze of thoughts that never left my mind.
Free to simply be.
I think the impulse to try to know ourselves and define ourselves is endearing. We try to use the labels we create as a guide or as a protective mechanism, but all it ends up doing is limiting our freedom, limiting our humanity, and limiting our ability to just be and live in the moment.
For me, I had to look myself in the mirror and virtually scream at myself to stop trying so hard. I’d literally be telling myself, “My guy, PLEASE stop trying to be this perfect person that only exists in your head. Just live!” Sure I’m not bad, but I’m not good either. Yeah I’m not mean, but I’m not kind either. I’m done identifying with any sort of label which will only end up restricting my freedom. I simply am. And that’s all I’ll ever need to be.
Releasing my past labels and resisting the impulse to generate new labels for myself has been the most freeing thing I’ve done. It also has had the side effect of my actions more authentically embodying the labels I strove to identify with anyways. Funny how things seem to naturally fall into place when you stop trying so hard, right?
I know I’m going to make mistakes. I know I’m going to hurt people. I know I’m going to fall flat on face many times. But I’ve accepted that attaching myself to labels isn’t going to change that, and that all of that is inevitable no matter how hard I try to avoid it. I’m not going to run away from my fear anymore and place myself in a cage to try to protect myself. It’s part of being human, and it’s what gives us the opportunity to grow and change. Isn’t that what life is all about? I’m finally freeing myself to fully experience everything for what it is. Letting things be. Letting things flow. And just being more present in the here and now.
I’d love to hear your thoughts! Let me know if there’s anything that resonated with you, and especially if there’s anything that you disagreed with. I’m always trying to learn :)
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