looking ahead

what I took away from 2023 and my intentions for 2024

I took a lot of steps forward this past year.

I'm proud of how I’m more emotionally resilient and largely insulated from the things happening around me. In the past, my emotions used to be heavily dependent on my environment. I experienced crazy highs and lows based on the latest political news, the drama circulating in my relationships, the status of Minnesota sports, and so much more. It was an emotional roller coaster that constantly left me exhausted and burnt out. It’s a lot different now. My reactions to things are much more muted, and it’s significantly easier for me to return my focus to things within my control. My younger self probably would have called my current self callous and lacking empathy or care. I would have probably responded by saying that it does the world no service to act from a place of anger, frustration, or sadness; your actions will be tainted and will only magnify those feelings in the world around you.

I’m also proud of how I’ve shifted my mindset around friendships and relationships. I used to tear myself up trying to get others to like me. I never seemed to find the formula that others had for how to build deep and lasting bonds with others; I kept trying to give more and more of myself, but that only left me feeling empty and full of doubt inside. I now know I was seeing everything all wrong. The deepest friendships are built between people who are individually emotionally full and need nothing from each other; they’re free to simply share experiences and find joy in their companionship as they pursue their individual journeys. To get there, I needed to focus on filling my own emotional needs instead of looking to fill them with others. That’s been a large focus of this year, and I’m feeling the changes. While the people-pleasing tendencies are hard to let go of, I feel much more trust in the friendships and relationships I have now. They’re built from a place of genuine authenticity and expression instead of emotional lack.

It’s also been slowly getting easier to genuinely celebrate others’ successes. In the past, I used to be extremely envious whenever other people celebrated an achievement that they had been working towards. It always felt like a personal assault. It made me feel extremely anxious and panicked; I couldn’t figure out what I was doing wrong to not be experiencing similar results in my life. I couldn’t reconcile my potential and my ambitions with my mundane experiences. I’ve long known that this is largely a matter of perspective, but this year I’ve finally started to truly reduce my emotional reaction and genuinely feel excitement and happiness for others. It’s a slow process, and I often get disappointed in myself when I find myself spiraling again, questioning the path that I’m on and the decisions that I’m making when others seem to be performing better. But I’m slowly starting to remove other people from the equation; I’m getting better at holding onto my singular vision of what I want to build. Little by little, it’s getting clearer why I had to experience the things I’ve experienced to be the person that I need to be. It’s so much more obvious that I’m not competing with anyone else.

All of these things have significantly improved the quality of my day-to-day life. I don’t feel like I’m constantly drowning in a sea of confusing emotions anymore, and the feelings of peace, calm, and contentment are much more accessible than they ever have been. I think this is all a byproduct of growth that I’ve made in knowledge and practice. I’ve made a deliberate attempt to grow my understanding of psychology, science, and spirituality, and even though I’ve been inconsistent, I’ve begun the process of implementing what I’ve learned. I can feel the differences.

There have also been a lot of areas in which I’ve come up short.

I’ve lacked focus, especially over the second half of the year. I’ve been so scatterbrained and have really struggled to lock in on larger projects or areas of learning, making me feel like I haven’t made much progress recently.

I’m regressing in my use of technology. I spent a lot of time in the past doing digital hygiene and trying to build a healthier relationship with technology and social media, but those practices have left me and I’ve found myself once again unable to escape the impulse to always be plugged in.

I’ve lost a lot of the discipline and routine that I built over the last couple of years, especially in terms of physical exercise and meditation. My sleep schedule has been all over the place, and I’ve been both unable and unwilling to prioritize routine and habit, letting entertainment or social commitments take away from what I need to do for myself.

My move to New York has contributed to a lot of this. It’s the first large move I’ve ever made, and it took me a little bit of time to get my feet under me. While I’m giving myself grace and time, I don’t want to continue to let this be an excuse; I can’t let my well-being and discipline be dependent on being in a comfortable environment.

The most disappointing thing that’s happened this past year is that I’ve felt an extremely large wave of imposter syndrome that’s seemingly come from out of nowhere. At work, when faced with a challenging engineering problem, my initial reaction is to accept my inadequacy and ask for help, instead of trusting my ability to problem solve. At Legends, when faced with unforeseen hurdles, my initial reaction is to accept my own limits and shrink my dreams, instead of trusting my leadership to overcome barriers. Every time a challenge comes my way, instead of feeling a sense of excitement, grit, and perseverance, my initial response has been to turtle in and tell myself “I’m not that guy”. It’s maddening, and the most frustrating part is that this pattern wasn’t evident to me until I recently spent time deeply reflecting on the last few months. I can’t believe I wasn’t able to see this earlier.

I’m not really worried about any of these things. Now that I’ve become aware of my patterns and the larger things that have been bothering me, I’ll fix them. I have tremendous faith in my capacity to change and grow, and I’m excited to witness my continued evolution.

I have a few goals this year. The first is just consistency. I want to more consistently write, meditate, exercise, journal, etc. I can’t let myself continue to only do these when it’s convenient; it’s clear I haven’t built the habits yet, and I’m determined to do so this year. The second is business. I need to learn how to make money outside of my day job. A key element of my long-term vision is having complete control over my time, supported by multiple income streams that I’ve built myself. I’m convinced that this doesn’t require an incredible idea or vision; it’s a skill that I intend to hone. My goal this year is just to get into the arena and try to sell something whether it’s a product, service, or my skills. I just need to start and learn. Everything else will come. The third is joy. I still fall into the trap of evaluating my days, hours, and minutes instead of simply enjoying and experiencing them. I’d like to change this and more frequently remind myself to stop and smell the roses.

By far the largest goal that I have is to shatter all limiting beliefs I still have that continue to form the basis of destructive patterns in my life. This is less of a goal and more of an intention; I’m not sure it’s even possible to do this over a decade let alone a year, since each step you take in building self-understanding illuminates yet another layer you have to peel back. Regardless, I now know how mistaken I was to think that I had already done the heavy lifting in erasing my limiting beliefs. The work is just getting started, and I’m determined to not let my focus drift this time.