false humility

true humility comes from truth and honesty, not pride

At an early age, we learn that humility represents not having a bloated sense of our own importance, but we don’t really know what this means. We’re told that humility is an important trait to have, but it isn’t immediately clear why. However, through observation over time, we learn to associate certain behaviors with the idea of humility.

We see people deflect compliments, praise others, use self-deprecating humor, and more, and we see how these behaviors generate admiration in others and provide a host of benefits for the person exhibiting humility. We notice ourselves reacting positively toward people who exhibit these behaviors, and we notice ourselves reacting negatively toward people who seem full of themselves. We subconsciously learn that it is valuable and socially beneficial for us to imitate and exhibit humble behaviors. Our observations have generated the desire to be seen as humble.

All of this happens unconsciously; we believe that by exhibiting certain behaviors that are characteristic of what we view as humble people, we have attained the trait itself. We think we actually are humble. But this mental conception of humility doesn’t require us to truly investigate what humility is or ask us to answer why it is an important trait to have. We think it is sufficient for us to learn that it is a generally good thing and to learn effective mannerisms that signal to others that we are humble because we have observed that it is socially beneficial for us to do so.

However, this is only a false humility. It is far from the real thing, and it can only take you so far.

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False humility is rooted in pride. At its heart is a selfish agenda; it is a form of deception that is rooted in the desire to manipulate others for personal gain. You have a greater desire to be seen as humble than you do in understanding what it is. Your behaviors are purely performative to influence others to act in a way that benefits you. You either secretly or overtly crave admiration and affection from others. Your actions aren’t an expression of an internal moral and ethical code; they’re externally oriented, finding validation based on the responses of others.

This applies even in the case of people who have overly low self-esteem. We think that by constantly degrading ourselves or devaluing ourselves, we will keep our ego in check, which is what we believe is what humility is. This too is rooted in pride and ego! People with excessively low self-esteem take everything personally, making everything about themselves. This is another sign of an over-inflated sense of self.

The ego that makes you blame yourself is guilt complex. The ego that makes you blame others is victim complex. Both these flavors of ego are extremely harmful — they are impediments to the blossoming of your life. — Source

While false humility is rooted in pride and ego, true humility is rooted in truth and honesty. False humility is acted out and performed; true humility is an internal phenomenon that fundamentally changes how you think and interact with the world.

True humility is not just a deflated sense of ego; it is an accurate assessment of one’s own strengths and limitations. It requires sight and rigorous self-honesty; it requires accepting that the problems we’re experiencing are ones of our own creation and that no matter our intentions, we have the capacity to inflict significant harm and evil upon ourselves and others through our ignorance. It requires a confrontation with our shadow and the subconscious forces that constantly affect our actions without us knowing. It requires accepting the ease with which we can get off track, and the necessity to build structures in our lives to help us stay aligned with our intentions and see what we’re unable to see.

The “death” of the Hero in the life of a boy (or a man) really means that he has finally encountered his limitations. He has met the enemy, and the enemy is himself. He has met his own dark side, his very unheroic side. He has fought the dragon and been burned by it; he has fought the revolution and drunk the dregs of his own inhumanity.

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True humility, we believe, consists of two things. The first is knowing our limitations. And the second is getting the help we need.
— King, Magician, Warrior, Lover

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True humility is a powerful and transformational force.

It provides immediate direction. It is so easy to feel lost and aimless in this chaotic world that feels like it is quickly spiraling out of control. True humility shows you the first and most meaningful step that you can take: cleaning up your own house. It viscerally and painfully illuminates your unhealthy habits and mindsets and the ways in which you’re standing in your own way. It is like a scythe that cuts through the web of self-deception that you have weaved your whole life that keeps you stuck and running away from responsibility. Fortunately, awareness is more than half the battle, and even if the next steps aren’t immediately clear, they often reveal themselves once you embark on the journey of inner change.

It paradoxically increases your confidence. While true humility illuminates the harsh realities about yourself that you’ve maybe avoided, it also shines a light on the inner gifts that you possess. In order to truly understand our limitations, we must also intimately understand our strengths. It then becomes our responsibility and purpose to learn how to bring our gifts into service to the people around us.

It helps us build stronger relationships. Through learning true humility, we learn truth and honesty, and these help us snap out of people-pleasing tendencies that sabotage our relationships. We learn to see outside of the lens of our own ego, and we naturally treat others with open-mindedness, respect, and patience, recognizing that there is much that we do not know.

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Many mythological stories are based upon the archetypical hero’s journey. There are three parts to this journey: the call to adventure (separation), the descent to the underworld (initiation), and the return. Every myth represents this story in its own, unique form, having different ways of depicting and representing each stage of the journey.

In an abstract sense, this journey is a representation of the psychological journey that we take in life. The call to adventure occurs when we notice challenges in our lives that prompt us to re-evaluate what we know and how we carry ourselves. The journey to the underworld represents a confrontation with our subconscious mind and the chaos that it contains. The “boon”, the treasure at the end of the rainbow, is the humility and self-awareness that we gain. Mythological stories represent these in magical objects that can grant the power of omniscience (which represents awareness and inner sight) or the power to transform the world (which represents truth and its ability to transform the world inside and outside). If these stories are trying to teach us anything, it’s that humility and self-awareness are the closest thing to magic that we possess.

If you believe in God or a higher power, you may think that these deities lack nothing. But that’s not true; they lack limitation. Limitation is something that only we possess. Perhaps it means that transcending our limitations, or at least seeing them clearly and working really hard on improving, is the true purpose of our human experience.

Either way, I’m convinced that true humility is central to everything we wish to achieve and experience.