assorted thoughts on philosophy and spirituality
abstract ideas that, for me, have been surprisingly practical
There’s an analogy that compares our ability to understand and retain knowledge and ideas to seeds growing in the soil and the environment that they’re placed in. Just like seeds need fertile soil and the right environmental inputs to sprout and flourish, we need the right experiences for certain ideas to resonate with us and plant themselves within us.
That definitely seems to have been the case for me. It somehow happened that the experiences of my life leading up to the start of this year created a really fertile ground for some ideas to take hold and sink really deep.
Most of these ideas relate to philosophy and spirituality. If you asked me about these topics a few months ago, I would probably have brushed them off as impractical thought experiments that might be interesting to read about but not really relevant to me and my day to day life. That couldn’t be further from the truth; I’ve just started to understand the shocking practicality and significance of these ‘abstract’ ideas.
This post is my attempt to articulate my understanding of a certain set of these ideas that have been particularly important to me.
Ego
Who am I?
Most people answer this question by constructing a persona built on a set of narratives that weave together the stories of their past and the desires of their future. For me a few months ago, it’d involve a collection of the labels hardworking, ambitious, analytical, and somewhat anxious as well as the desires wants to be an entrepreneur, wants to travel, etc. This persona takes the form of the voice in your head that never, ever shuts up. It gets strengthened with the creation of labels and desires because then it feels more secure in its sense of self and its identity.
I’ve realized now that that’s not who I am; I am the awareness of this voice. I am the observer. This voice, this persona, is my ego.
This isn’t a meaningless distinction; mistaking yourself for your ego is damaging for a couple of reasons. First, it pulls you away from the present moment. The ego constantly narrates the events of your life, constantly tries to prescribe your actions based on your sense of ‘who you are’, and constantly overanalyzes everything to identify threats to your persona. How can you be present with this nonstop chatter going on in the back of your head? Second, it loves drama. Every instance of melodrama, every chance that you get to be outraged and upset and vocal strengthens the ego. Have you noticed the voice in your head get louder and more persistent whenever you’re upset or engaged in drama?
This is a really, really high level explanation that misses a lot of nuance. But big picture, life isn’t a solo dance where you try to navigate your fragile persona through the maze of uncertainty that always surrounds you. It’s a duet between you and your ego.
A simple example of this for me is that I frequently hear the voice in my head tell me that I’m unworthy or unlovable, likely because my persona constructed those labels based on its interpretation of some of the events in my life. In the past, these thoughts would send me down a really dangerous and painful spiral; they hurt! My ego was performing a really ugly solo that was throwing me all over the place. Now, however, it’s different. When those thoughts come up (and they still do), I know they’re not coming from me. So I, the observer, step up to the floor and engage with my ego. I start a dialogue with it, asking why it’s so insistent on propagating these strange narratives.
It’s a fascinating duet, one that I’m only just starting to learn to dance. Right now my ego is still leading the duet; the voice in my head and the persona that I’ve built still have a lot of deterministic power in my life. But I’m slowly starting to take control away from that ego. I’m slowly starting to understand the narratives that form the basis of my insecurities. And I know that this will lead to me slowly dismantling the complex persona that my ego has built up. It’ll free me to lead the duet, and I’m so excited for that day to come. I’m a much better dancer than my ego anyways, and I have some beautiful choreography in mind that I can’t wait to perform.
Purpose and Desire
I put these two ideas together because they’re often linked; usually our purpose is defined as the attainment of our desires. That’s definitely what it used to be for me; my purpose used to be getting into a good college, getting a good job, getting promoted, etc.
I’ve started to completely unbundle the two.
Desire is really interesting. There’s so many interesting theories about where it originates, whether it stems from mimesis or from lack. The origin of desire is a discussion from another time. What I’d like to focus on is the observation that desire is fucking exhausting.
There’s typically two outcomes that come from desire. Sometimes you get the object of your desire, in which case you’re happy for a bit but then end up feeling a pervasive sense of disappointment because the fantasy in your head was so much more vivid and beautiful than the object itself, and then you quickly move on to some other desire right after. Most of the time, you don’t get what you desire, in which case it just sucks and the object you desire becomes more tantalizing than ever in your mind. In either case, you never win.
The relationship I’ve started to build with desire is just noticing that all desire does is illuminate the ways in which I feel incomplete. That observation is so much more powerful than any object of desire and actually lets me work on myself in a meaningful way.
This brings me back to purpose, and I’ve distilled my purpose down to the following statement: be present in each and every moment, and within each moment, express love and compassion as honestly and authentically as you can. For me, this purpose is so much more meaningful and fulfilling than simply accumulating objects of desire like merit badges. I’m done orienting my life around answering the question ‘what do I want?’ The question I’m more interested in answering now is ‘what can I give?’ And it usually leads to the same outcomes in more effortless ways anyways.
Energy and Manifestation
I’ve started to believe that energy is material. This is something eastern philosophers have been teaching for centuries, and modern science is starting to echo some of those teachings through quantum mechanics and theories of resonance. Maybe it’s something that we don’t have the mechanisms to measure yet, but I believe it exists. Animals can feel the energy that people give off - that’s probably why dogs are so perceptive about the emotions of their owners. Why can’t we perceive this energy as well? Probably because we’re less in touch with our awareness of the present and too caught up in our own heads; in the melodramas manufactured by our ego.
The energy you give off governs all sorts of things, and universal laws like the law of attraction, the law of assumption, etc. describe how the energy we give off affects us. I also think you can invest the people and things around you with certain energies. I think that’s why things like old toys or old stuffed animals are so hard to get rid of; they’re invested with our love, and that love is something we feel and experience as nostalgia.
This brings me to manifestation - does this mean that we have the power to bring specific elements of our desires to fruition? Some would believe so. Maybe it is possible.
My question is…why would you want to?
I’ve already explained my complicated relationship with desire above, but even beyond that, I have realized that I am awful at figuring out what’s good for me. I’m the kid that wanted to take like 15 AP tests because I thought that would make me feel smart and bringing me some validation. I’m the kid that desperately desired admission into Ivy League schools thinking it would solve all of my problems. I’m the kid that craved offers from McKinsey and Bain thinking a job at those firms is what I was meant for. I was wrong on all accounts. I also saw that my rejections from every Ivy League school and from McKinsey and Bain were enormous blessings in disguise; they opened the door to foundational adventures and experiences that have brought me to where I am today.
So even if it is possible to manifest specific things and people and whatever you want, I have absolutely no desire to. Instead, I’m more interested in giving love and compassion and allowing people, things, and experiences to manifest into my life that will return the love and compassion I’ve given in abundance. Besides, surprises are fun. I love the uncertainty.
Pain and Emotions
Pain and trauma are fascinating. I’m particularly drawn to Ekhart Tolle’s theory of the pain-body, in which he argues that pain and trauma are physically stored as negative energies within our body; that every emotional scar you experience leaves behind ‘residue’. He even goes on to argue that this pain can be passed on generationally, a finding that science is starting to validate.
He also says that this pain-body is at the core of human violence and venom towards others; that our internalized trauma causes us to lash out towards others. I definitely resonate with this; the ones capable of the most violence and hatred are the ones that have experienced the most violence and hatred. In this way every outward expression of hatred and judgement is actually a hidden cry for help; a visceral display of insecurity. This is why I think that the crisis that we deal with as humans right now is more about suppression of pain than anything else. And instead of responding to others’ displays of hatred and venom with the compassion and love that they need (that we all collectively need), we capitulate that hatred by trying to create the next viral, witty tweet antagonizing them, as if that’s ever helped anything. It’s so tragic.
How do we transcend this store of pain and trauma? The only way is through it. Through acknowledgement, awareness, and release. I think that’s why we feel physically lighter after crying; it’s because we’ve physically released some material pain. It’s also why the process of yoga can be so emotional, because the intentional movement gently massages out some of the pain that was hidden inside.
The challenge is identifying all these hidden stores of pain that are located within us. I think that’s one of the purposes of our emotions; they signal us repressed traumas or pain that we haven’t released. Every feeling of desire has a hidden sense of insufficiency behind it. Every feeling of resentment has a hidden sense of inadequacy behind it. And it’s our task to unmask that pain, confront it, and release it.
God
I don’t really ascribe to any specific religion or set of religious practices, but especially these past few months, I’ve started to develop some faith in a higher power, something greater than myself. I think this higher power has two facets.
The first facet is deterministic in nature. It acts through synchronicities and meaningful coincidences; it subtly alters your circumstances to guide you to the lessons you need to learn on your path to growth and transcendence. The clearest example of this for me is through the story of all my rejections. I bitterly fought against all of them, trying to figure out what I did wrong to be seen as not good enough. At the start of this year, I finally stopped fighting and started reflecting and listening, and immediately the lesson was clear; I needed to stop seeking validation and status and love from outside of me because everything I sought was already inside me. And it was clear that I’d keep facing rejection after rejection after rejection until I learned to find meaning and fulfillment from within. Those words and ideas didn’t come from me; I’m just a 23-year old who knows nothing and spends his time daydreaming and doing crosswords. It was a clear message that was sent repeatedly to me through the circumstances of my life. I just had to stop and listen.
The second facet takes the shape of a reservoir. Bear with me for a second. This idea is based on a fundamental idea from Sufism about the nature of humanity. It says that humans (and all life) are shreds of some god or divinity or higher power that have been alienated from the universal being from which we originated. The fundamental tragedy of human life is that this alienation, this separation, is behind all the pain, sorrow, and longing that we experience; that all those feelings are manifestations of the pain of the initial separation, masking our true yearning to go home, be reunited, and be complete once again. Isn’t that beautiful?
In my mind, this being takes the shape of ideals like honor, love, virtue, and courage. I think it explains why we have a limitless source of love and courage to act upon; it doesn’t come from nowhere. And it follows from there that every expression of love and courage connects me to that being however briefly that connection lasts. And that connection brings me closer to home.
Do I worship this being or deity or higher power or whatever? Nah. I don’t think I ever will; it’s almost taken the role of a mentor in my life, gently nudging me in the right direction. I’m not even sure how much I believe in a higher power; these are just abstract ideas I’ve put together to help explain some of the things I’ve been feeling and experiencing. But based on the happenings of my life, it’s growing harder and harder not to believe.
All this discussion is definitely very abstract and philosophical, and it’s probably not completely clear yet how it’s practical. You must be thinking ‘dmeth, you’re 23, this is some heavy stuff. Why aren’t you just drinking and watching Netflix like a normal person?’ Believe me, I’ve thought that on many, many occasions. Still thinking that right now tbh.
But in my case, the process of deliberation on all these subjects and the development of this foundational understanding hasn’t cluttered up my mind with deep, random, nonsensical thoughts; it’s been freeing. My mind is free from being distracted by desires and petty dramas, free from self-sabotage and self-abuse, free from the existential paranoia that comes from questioning my purpose and the meaning of everything. Ha, just kidding that’s a complete lie. I’m not even close to being free from all those things. But the vision is there; I know I’m taking baby steps in the right direction .
There’s been no greater sign that I’m stepping in the right direction than the fact that I think I’ve accidentally stumbled into a life that I dreamed of living many years ago, one filled with travel and adventures and intellectual rigor and rich friendships and new experiences. I don’t know how any of this happened, honestly. I started the year off with a seriously strong period of anxiety that included a 10-day battle with insomnia during which the only question on my mind was ‘what do I have to do to fucking be able to sleep through the night???’ Now I’m packing for a trip to San Diego, and the only question that’s on my mind is ‘what do I have to do to not die in the waves while learning how to surf???’ Life is crazy.
I’m not trying to gloat or anything; I know the pendulum is going to quickly swing back the other way and life will soon throw me another set of challenges that will leave me feeling broken again, illuminating yet another lesson that I need to learn. It’s a good thing! I’m not afraid of it.
But the one thing that I do know is that my investment in philosophy and spirituality has left me better prepared than I’ve ever been to deal with the ups and downs, the constant turbulence of life. And I’m so excited to continue developing my understanding of and my relationship to all of these ideas.
This is a complete tangent, but I’ve recently developed a little Notion dashboard that’s serving as a knowledge hub and helping me organize some of the things I want to read, learn, and build. Check it out if you’re interested :)